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Thread: Joke for the day

  1. #3401
    Quote Originally Posted by Joel View Post
    I met a beautiful girl down at the local park today. Sparks flew and she fell at my feet. We ended up having sex there and then. I love my new taser.
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  2. #3402
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    Stephen King has a son named Joe.
    I'm not joking, but he is.
    Quote Originally Posted by Uncle Benz
    Nige would be turning in his shed
    Quote Originally Posted by Nige
    Have you seen my bottom nuts?

  3. #3403
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    I held a surprise bukkake party for my wife last night.
    Everyone came.
    You should've seen her face.


    I just ordered a book about Tantric Sex positions on Amazon. It’s going to take ages to come.


    Guy goes to the pharmacist and asks what exactly Viagra does. Pharmacist tells him it improves blood flow and reduces erectile dysfunction.
    Guy asks if he can get it over the counter and Pharmacist tells him, "Maybe, if you take two"


    Wife: I have something to tell you. I'm pregnant.
    Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
    Wife: No, you're not.
    Quote Originally Posted by Uncle Benz
    Nige would be turning in his shed
    Quote Originally Posted by Nige
    Have you seen my bottom nuts?

  4. #3404
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    I’ve been learning how to guess the weight of dogs. Picked up a few pointers, and always make my estimates by the pound.
    Quote Originally Posted by Uncle Benz
    Nige would be turning in his shed
    Quote Originally Posted by Nige
    Have you seen my bottom nuts?

  5. #3405
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uncle Benz
    Nige would be turning in his shed
    Quote Originally Posted by Nige
    Have you seen my bottom nuts?

  6. #3406
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    Bought myself a toilet brush last week.

    Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.
    Quote Originally Posted by Uncle Benz
    Nige would be turning in his shed
    Quote Originally Posted by Nige
    Have you seen my bottom nuts?

  7. #3407
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    Gary Barlow's decided to block me on Twitter.

    Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it
    Quote Originally Posted by Uncle Benz
    Nige would be turning in his shed
    Quote Originally Posted by Nige
    Have you seen my bottom nuts?

  8. #3408
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    A Scotsman goes on a skiing holiday in Canada. He ends the day at the bar at the base of the mountain. He's about 6+ whiskeys deep when he looks up to see a stuffed animal head with antlers on the wall.

    He asks the bartender, “What the f*ck’s that?”

    Bartender replies, “A moose”

    Scotsman responds, “F*ck me! How big are the cats?!”
    Quote Originally Posted by Uncle Benz
    Nige would be turning in his shed
    Quote Originally Posted by Nige
    Have you seen my bottom nuts?

  9. #3409
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    You really have to read it with a scots accent tho
    If a man speaks his mind in a forest and no woman hears him...is he still wrong ?

  10. #3410
    It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
    When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

    At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
    The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.

    She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
    "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

    "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
    "I asked him what to give you".
    He said, "****-him. Give him a fiver."

    She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

  11. #3411
    An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...
    “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

    “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

    The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the f*ck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this f*cking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the f*ck I want, have I made myself clear?!”

    I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

    I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

    “Your badge, show him your f*cking badge!”

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