+ Reply to Thread
Page 3 of 69 FirstFirst 1 2 3 4 5 13 53 ... LastLast
Results 101 to 150 of 3410

Thread: Joke for the day

  1. #101
    PMSL ..........like that one Karl :thumb:
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  2. #102
    Regular Floyd's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Royston Vasey
    Posts
    38,983
    Stick with it...

    F :whistle:
    BMW 3.0 Z4 Roadster. Touareg 3.0 V6 TDI T2. Subaru Impreza Turbo 2000.

  3. #103
    Regular Tony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Arse end of the UK
    Posts
    15,269
    FPMSL :lol: :lol: :lol: So you're an athiest as well as a cynic then F? ;) :lol:

    T
    E70 X5 40d family truck
    Cayman S - Daily driver of loveliness!
    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  4. #104
    Regular Floyd's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Royston Vasey
    Posts
    38,983
    T, it made I laugh too :lol:

    At least when you upset a Christian all they do is forgive you, not want to behead you :whistle:

    F
    BMW 3.0 Z4 Roadster. Touareg 3.0 V6 TDI T2. Subaru Impreza Turbo 2000.

  5. #105
    Regular Tony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Arse end of the UK
    Posts
    15,269
    Originally posted by Floyd@Oct 22 2006, 02:04 PM
    T, it made I laugh too :lol:

    At least when you upset a Christian all they do is forgive you, not want to behead you :whistle:

    F
    LOL :lol: Then blaspheme away ;) :thumb: :lol:

    T
    E70 X5 40d family truck
    Cayman S - Daily driver of loveliness!
    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  6. #106
    Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
    The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
    She says "I'll take the red one."
    The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher." :lol:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  7. #107
    Regular
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Roundabout Milton Keynes
    Posts
    46,427
    pmsl . That made me snigger :lol:
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  8. #108
    Regular
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Roundabout Milton Keynes
    Posts
    46,427
    An Australian, an Irishman and a Liverpudlian are in a
    bar.

    They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a
    table in the corner, he's so familiar, and not recognising him is
    driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

    "My God, it's Jesus!"
    Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over
    a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

    Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men,
    and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished
    the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

    He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,
    thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry
    of amazement:

    "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a
    miracle!"

    Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for
    the lager. As He lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock,

    "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a
    miracle."

    Jesus then approaches the Liverpudlian who knocks over a chair and a
    table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

    "What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.

    The Liverpudlian shouts, "F*** off, I'm on disability benefit!"
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  9. #109
    very very good
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  10. #110
    Regular Darren Langeveld's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Coventry - twinned with the Bronx
    Posts
    18,129
    Two balls walk in to a bar one ball says to the other your round.

  11. #111
    A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

    The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

    As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

    So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally.

    After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had?

    Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

    He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

    "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

    To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life." :ph43r:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  12. #112
    Regular
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Roundabout Milton Keynes
    Posts
    46,427
    ^^^
    lol :lol:
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  13. #113
    Three tortoises
    Three tortoise, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So
    Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
    The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them
    ten days to get there.
    When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me
    the bottle opener."
    "I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
    Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle
    opener??"
    Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from
    Home without a bottle opener.
    Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says
    they will eat all the sandwiches.
    After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives
    that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
    So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
    Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are
    starving, but a promise is a promise. Another five days and he still isn't back, but a
    promise is a promise.
    Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich
    each, and as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and
    shouts........






    "I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  14. #114
    Regular
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Roundabout Milton Keynes
    Posts
    46,427
    Christiano Ronaldo does 2 the doctors complains that he gets sexually aroused when he looks in the mirror. "I'm not suprised" said the Doctor you're a c**t"...



    A couple decide they have to tighten their belts, she says "you are spending 16 a week on 24 cans of beer, that has to stop!" A week later he says "hang on, you're spending 28 a week on make-up" She says "Yes, but that's to make me look lovely&attractive"He says "That's what the f**king beer was for!"
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  15. #115
    Regular
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Roundabout Milton Keynes
    Posts
    46,427
    Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to
    line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and
    beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

    Each priest had a small bell attached to his p*nis and they were told
    that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not
    be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
    The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
    She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
    until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell
    began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the
    ground.

    Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it
    up.
    Then, all the other bells started to ring..........
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  16. #116
    Regular Darren Langeveld's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Coventry - twinned with the Bronx
    Posts
    18,129
    Originally posted by Simon@Nov 10 2006, 01:27 PM
    Christiano Ronaldo does 2 the doctors complains that he gets sexually aroused when he looks in the mirror. "I'm not suprised" said the Doctor you're a c**t"...
    LMAO :lol:

  17. #117
    :whistle:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  18. #118
    Regular Nige's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    West Yorkshire
    Posts
    31,134
    Two guys were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

    "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .

    "Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

    "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

    "Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead." :lol:

  19. #119
    Regular
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Roundabout Milton Keynes
    Posts
    46,427
    This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be one hell of a party."

    The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it."

    The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"
    The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever).

    The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

    The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm."
    Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?"
    Guy replies, "Well. . . I drank the whole bottle of your potion. "
    Pharmacist says, "And..."

    Guy replies, "The f*cking girls never showed up!"
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  20. #120
    Regular
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Roundabout Milton Keynes
    Posts
    46,427
    Indian restaurant version of Bohemian Rhapsody

    Naan, just killed a man
    poppadom against his head
    Had lime pickle now he's dead.
    Naan, dinner's just begun
    But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
    Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry If I'm not back from the loo by
    this time tomorrow Curry on, curry on Cause nothing really Madras .
    Too late, my dinner's gone
    Sends shivers down my spine
    Bottom aching all the time
    Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
    Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
    Naan, ooh, ooh
    This dopiaza is so mild
    I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.

    [guitar solo]

    I see a little chicken tikka on the side Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the
    chutney made of mango Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy Meat!
    Byriani (Byriani)
    Byriani (Byriani)
    Byriani and a
    naan
    (A vindaloo loo loo loo)
    I've eaten balti, somebody help me
    He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory Stand you well back 'Case the loo
    is quarantined...
    Here it comes
    There it goes
    Technicolor yawn
    I chunder
    No!
    It's coming up again
    (There he goes)
    I chunder, it's coming back again
    (There he goes)
    Coming back again
    (up again)
    Here it comes again.
    (No no no no no no NO)
    On my knees, I'm on my knees
    On his knees, Oh, there he goes
    This vindaloo
    Is about to wreck my guts
    Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!

    [guitar solo]

    So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
    So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
    Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby Just had to come out It just had
    to come right out in here.

    [guitar solo]

    [slow bit]
    Korma or dopiaza
    bhaji, naan or saag
    Nothing makes a difference
    Nothing makes a difference
    To
    meee....
    (Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  21. #121
    Regular Nige's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    West Yorkshire
    Posts
    31,134
    I sang that in my head to the proper music. Brilliant. :thumb:

  22. #122
    Regular Tony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Arse end of the UK
    Posts
    15,269
    Originally posted by Simon@Nov 10 2006, 02:27 PM
    Christiano Ronaldo does 2 the doctors complains that he gets sexually aroused when he looks in the mirror. "I'm not suprised" said the Doctor you're a c**t"...
    LMAO :lol: :lol: :lol:

    T
    E70 X5 40d family truck
    Cayman S - Daily driver of loveliness!
    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  23. #123
    Regular Tony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Arse end of the UK
    Posts
    15,269
    Paddy asks his Mate, Murphy, "Do me a favor and go upstairs and get me slippers."

    "No bother," Murphy says, and runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

    "Hello dere, girls, you Da' sent me up here to shag ya both," says Paddy.

    "Fook off, you liar!" exclaim the twins in unison.

    "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of 'em, Paddy?"

    "Of course," Paddy shouts back, "what's the use of fookin' one?"
    :whistle:

    T
    E70 X5 40d family truck
    Cayman S - Daily driver of loveliness!
    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  24. #124
    Mary had a little pig,
    She kept it fat and plastered;
    And when the price of pork went up,
    She shot the little bastard.


    MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
    Her father shot it dead.
    Now it goes to school with her,
    Between two hunks of bread.


    HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
    Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
    All the kings' horses,
    And all the kings' men.
    Had scrambled eggs,
    For breakfast again.

    HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
    All over the bedside clock.
    The little dog laughed to see such fun.
    Then died of electric shock.

    There was a little girl who had a little curl
    Right in the middle of her forehead.
    When she was good, she was very, very good.
    But when she was bad........
    She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car. ...
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  25. #125
    Regular Tony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Arse end of the UK
    Posts
    15,269
    Hickory dickory dock
    This b*tch was sucking my cock
    The clock struck two, I shot my goo
    And dumped her round the block.


    Not quite the same as the original.............. :whistle:

    T
    E70 X5 40d family truck
    Cayman S - Daily driver of loveliness!
    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  26. #126
    Regular
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Roundabout Milton Keynes
    Posts
    46,427
    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

    "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.

    Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates, "


    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

    Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates"

    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what
    do those symbolize?"

    The man replied, "These are Carols."
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  27. #127
    Regular Nige's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    West Yorkshire
    Posts
    31,134
    Found this which is a guide to the Hanyes Manual. I found myself agreeing with a lot of it :thumb:

    Nige.

    For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual in attempting home maintenance of a car or motorbike. For those who havn't used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at those who want to fix their own vehicles and which keep qualified mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards. They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants to change an air filter.

    Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
    Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

    Haynes: Should remove easily.
    Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

    Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
    Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.

    Haynes: This is a snug fit.
    Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: This is a tight fit.
    Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
    Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

    Haynes: Locate ...
    Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.

    Haynes: Pry...
    Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

    Haynes: Undo...
    Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

    Haynes: Ease ...
    Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ... Then snap 1/2" drive extension

    Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
    Translation: "Jeez what the hell was that!??!, it nearly had my eye out"!

    Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
    Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

    Haynes: Lightly...
    Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

    Haynes: Weekly checks...
    Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

    Haynes: Routine maintenance...
    Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

    Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
    Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

    Haynes: Two spanner rating.
    Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

    Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
    Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
    Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

    Haynes: Four spanner rating.
    Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

    Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
    Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
    Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

    Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
    Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha&#33 ;!!!
    Translation #2: Get a bigger hammer

    Haynes: Compress...
    Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

    Haynes: Inspect...
    Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

    Haynes: Carefully...
    Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

    Haynes: Retaining nut...
    Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

    Haynes: Get an assistant...
    Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

    Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
    Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

    Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
    Translation: But you swear in different places.

    Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
    Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38 last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.

    Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
    Translation: Snap off...

    Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
    Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.

    Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
    Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

    Haynes: Everyday toolkit
    Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

    Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
    Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
    Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
    Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

    Haynes: Index
    Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

    Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.

    Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

    Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
    Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

    Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
    Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

    Haynes: See illustration for details
    Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.

    For Added Haynes Fun, go to the first section "Safety First" and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid. Would you really trust the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement?


    THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL
    All makes and models post-2000

    For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is:

    Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amount of cash.

    Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far too scary. Proceed with routine service (see above).


    HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. The Craftsman lifetime warranty on their hacksaws does not cover handles

    MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing (fender).

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

    PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

    SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

    BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

    TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

    TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

    BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: Used to sharpen sheet metal to a razor sharp edge and then draw your hand into it

    INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

    PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

  28. #128
    HOSE CUTTER - a tool which cuts hoses 1/2'' too short :lol: :lol:
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  29. #129
    Regular
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Roundabout Milton Keynes
    Posts
    46,427
    'Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
    Translation: But you swear in different places'

    Nick, it must be the book you have mate :lol:
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  30. #130
    Police in Ipswich have ruled out santa after finding a fourth ho this morning :whistle:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  31. #131
    Regular
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Roundabout Milton Keynes
    Posts
    46,427
    Police in Ipswich are on the look out for a dyslexic Santa Claus. HeHe has been leaving all the prozzies under the tree.
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  32. #132
    Regular Darren Langeveld's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Coventry - twinned with the Bronx
    Posts
    18,129
    Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Ball?

    He had no body to go with.

  33. #133
    Regular Darren Langeveld's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Coventry - twinned with the Bronx
    Posts
    18,129
    What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

    It's Christmas Eve !

  34. #134
    Regular Darren Langeveld's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Coventry - twinned with the Bronx
    Posts
    18,129
    Christmas - Eve?

  35. #135
    Regular
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Roundabout Milton Keynes
    Posts
    46,427
    ^^^
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  36. #136
    Regular leavingeasy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Up the Elephant SE1
    Posts
    11,013
    Originally posted by Simon@Dec 15 2006, 09:14 AM
    'Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
    Translation: But you swear in different places'

    Nick, it must be the book you have mate :lol:
    Refitting?

    What is this word?

  37. #137
    Regular Tony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Arse end of the UK
    Posts
    15,269
    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. :lol: :lol:

    Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
    Translation: "Jeez what the hell was that!??!, it nearly had my eye out"!
    :lol: :lol:

    :thumb: Good find Nige

    T
    E70 X5 40d family truck
    Cayman S - Daily driver of loveliness!
    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  38. #138
    What did the leper say to the prostitute?



















    Keep the tip :lol: :lol:
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  39. #139
    Regular Nige's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    West Yorkshire
    Posts
    31,134
    This is an ad placed by a confused male which only goes to prove that you can never take at face value what a woman says to you.


    Bike for sale (American trading post)

    Post Date: Aug 7th, 2006
    Expire Date: Sep 6th, 2006

    $10,000

    06' Suzuki GSXR 1000

    2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its
    500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels
    have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm
    selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving
    wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I
    thought.

  40. #140
    Regular Tony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Arse end of the UK
    Posts
    15,269
    :lol: :lol: :thumb:

    T
    E70 X5 40d family truck
    Cayman S - Daily driver of loveliness!
    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  41. #141
    :lol: :lol: :lol:
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  42. #142
    Michael Jackson has signed for Liverpool



    The prospect of being spanked by 9 kids at home was too good to refuse
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  43. #143
    Regular
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Roundabout Milton Keynes
    Posts
    46,427
    ^^^
    lol :lol:
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  44. #144
    Regular Tony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Arse end of the UK
    Posts
    15,269
    It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for 50.

    At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.

    She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausages and tomatoes with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a 5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

    "All this was just too wonderful for words", he said, "but what's the five quid for?"
    "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
    "I asked him what to give you".
    He said "F**k him. Give him a fiver".

    She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea".
    E70 X5 40d family truck
    Cayman S - Daily driver of loveliness!
    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  45. #145
    Regular
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Roundabout Milton Keynes
    Posts
    46,427
    ^^^
    LOL :lol: :lol:
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  46. #146
    IanHowell
    Guest
    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

    things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and

    now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm

    while

    these exchanges were actually taking place.





    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ________________________________



    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS: July 18th.

    ATTORNEY: What year?

    WITNESS: Every year.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your

    memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of

    something you forgot?

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS: Forty-five years.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

    morning?

    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved

    in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person

    dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty -year -old, how old

    is he?

    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty

    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Uh....

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

    people?

    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school

    did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the

    body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I

    was doing an autopsy on him!

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Huh?

    ____________________________________________

    And the best for last

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did

    you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

    began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,

    nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

    practising

    law.




    Ian

  47. #147
    Regular Tony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Arse end of the UK
    Posts
    15,269
    The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and Hit this link

    :whistle: :lol:

    T
    E70 X5 40d family truck
    Cayman S - Daily driver of loveliness!
    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  48. #148
    Regular Dave G's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Stansted
    Posts
    24,082
    Ian, that last one is great!

    Tony, bit dodgy! Amusing though. :whistle:

  49. #149
    Regular Tony's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Arse end of the UK
    Posts
    15,269
    Since when have I been politically correct Dave?! :lol:

    T
    E70 X5 40d family truck
    Cayman S - Daily driver of loveliness!
    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  50. #150
    Regular Dave G's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Stansted
    Posts
    24,082
    Originally posted by Tony@Jan 18 2007, 02:13 PM
    Since when have I been politically correct Dave?! :lol:

    T
    Makes a change to the PC movement which has been happening. Look at the crap in the Big Brother house (not that I've been watching it :whistle: )

+ Reply to Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts