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Thread: Joke for the day

  1. #51
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    A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the
    shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his
    roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.


    So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in
    and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from
    home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his
    address, etc. but to no avail.

    The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get
    the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport
    and barely caught his flight.

    One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial
    success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.

    Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a
    cab ride back to the airport.

    Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old
    buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

    The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his
    lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the
    line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.
    "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

    "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
    "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

    The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same
    questions, with the same result.

    When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much
    for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said
    "Okay," and off they went.

    Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big
    smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
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  2. #52
    A young man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the train window.


    After he had gobbled a few of them down an old lady opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."


    "Listen, love," the young man replied, "It's got nothing to do with you. I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I fecking well want on this train." He then carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.


    The old lady then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.


    After a while, he sat back up and said to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"


    "It's got nothing to do with you," replied the old lady. "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."


    At that, the young man grabbed the old ladys knitting and threw it out of the window.


    The old lady immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.


    The young man burst out laughing and said, " you silly old cow, you'll get fined 500 for that!"


    To which the old lady replied, "And you'll get eight years when the police smell your fingers". :whistle:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  3. #53
    pmsl ........
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  4. #54
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    LOL :lol: :lol:

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  5. #55
    this is the best one i've been sent in a while :


    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
    much.

    I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

    I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
    heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE:

    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the
    passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I
    just want you to hold me."

    I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every
    boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my
    emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs
    as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love
    me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
    her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
    bitch knows I'm smarter than her !! .

    *disclaimer* please note that the misogonistic tone of this gag is not necessarily shared by the poster. lol.

  6. #56
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    Thanks hengti...... but look on page three ;) :lol:

    It's good, but I'm not sure it's worth posting twice! :lol: :lol:

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  7. #57
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    not in the best taste, but I smiled....


  8. #58
    Originally posted by Tony@Sep 3 2006, 11:58 AM
    Thanks hengti...... but look on page three ;) :lol:

    It's good, but I'm not sure it's worth posting twice! :lol: :lol:

    T
    bah!

    hadn't spotted that! thought i'd looked too :rolleyes:

  9. #59
    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
    "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"
    "Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
    So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of
    cured pig meat.
    "Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
    "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"
    "Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
    And with that ..Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
    "Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"
    "Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?
    "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...


    Ees



















    Ees

















    Ees





















    Ees























    Eees a Ham Bush.








    :hehegay:
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  10. #60
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    LOL :lol:.

    btw Edited as you were to lazy & just cut & pasted with all the >>>>>'s out :angry:
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  11. #61
    I was caught short while shopping with my missus last weekend and had to go to the toilets in the shopping centre for a crap.

    Just as I sat down, the guy in the cubicle next door said, "Hello".

    Out of instinct I said "Hello" back.

    "What are you doing?" he said

    Panicking a bit by now, I responded: "Having a poo. You?"

    To which he said: "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. The knob in the cubicle next door is trying to talk to me". :hehegay:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  12. #62
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    To Gary :whistle:

    Steve Irwin died doing what he loved.
    Tommy Cooper died doing what he loved.
    Don't have a wank tonight mate, I'm worried about ya. :hehegay:
    SteveM owes me 5
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  13. #63
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    karl

    top joke mate :lol:
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  14. #64
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    Originally posted by Karl@Sep 20 2006, 03:19 PM
    I was caught short while shopping with my missus last weekend and had to go to the toilets in the shopping centre for a crap.

    Just as I sat down, the guy in the cubicle next door said, "Hello".

    Out of instinct I said "Hello" back.

    "What are you doing?" he said

    Panicking a bit by now, I responded: "Having a poo. You?"

    To which he said: "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. The knob in the cubicle next door is trying to talk to me". :hehegay:
    LMAO :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

    :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:



    Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish Kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on A Japanese TV.

    And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

    Oh and......

    Only in Britain ... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an Ambulance.


    Only in Britain ... Do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


    Only in Britain ... Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

    Only in Britain ... Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

    Only in Britain ... Do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

    Only in Britain ... Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    Only in Britain ... Are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

    NOT TO MENTION...

    3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
    142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
    58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
    31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
    19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

    British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

    101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
    18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
    A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
    5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

    And finally.........

    In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
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  15. #65
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    ONLY IN AMERICA.......(and long may it remain that way ;) )

    Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards."
    The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in USA). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year's winners (from 5th to 1st place)

    5th Place (tie):
    Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.

    The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

    5th Place (tie):
    19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.

    Mr Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

    5th Place (tie):
    Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!

    4th Place:
    Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle.

    The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

    3rd Place:
    A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone).

    The beverage was on the floor because Ms Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument

    2nd Place:
    Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.

    This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.


    1st Place:
    This year's runaway winner was Mrs Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
    Mrs Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago (RV) motor home. On her first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich.
    Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

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  16. #66
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    ^^^^ it makes me angry every time I see it :angry:

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  17. #67
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    & the US are the biggest superpower :o Feck me , that is unbeliveable :(
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  18. #68
    I'll tell you what I find bloody unbelievable, the state of California are suing 5 of the major car manufacturers for polluting the state, I can't get my head around that one at all :huh:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  19. #69
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    When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he had sex?
    "Tarzan not know sex!" he replied.
    Jane explained what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh.........Tarzan use knot hole in truck of tree"
    Horrified Jane said "Tarzan, you have it all wrong but i will show you how to do it properly"
    She took off her clothing & lay down on the ground
    "Here" she said pointing to her privates " You must put it in there"
    Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her & then kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed............"What did you do that for?"
    Tarzan replyed "Check for squirrels."
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  20. #70
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    LMAO :lol: :lol: :lol: :thumb:

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  21. #71
    :lol: :lol: :lol:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  22. #72
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    Originally posted by Tony@Sep 20 2006, 07:35 PM
    ONLY IN AMERICA.......(and long may it remain that way ;) )
    I actually got annoyed when reading that.... :angry:

    then googled and found this:

    truthorfiction so the world hasnt gone completely mad......

  23. #73
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    A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

    Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'

    'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'

    'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks Matthew.

    'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.

    A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

    Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?'

    +

    +

    +

    +

    +

    +

    +

    'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'
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  24. #74
    Oh dear oh dear oh dear :whistle: :whistle:
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  25. #75
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    Floyd, where you get that from boy?
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  26. #76
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    Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus!

    Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
    offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an
    actual class assignment.

    The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a
    new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person
    will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As
    homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short
    story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy
    to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
    paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to
    me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on
    back-and-forth.

    Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
    story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the
    e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The
    story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

    The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
    Rebecca and Gary.

    THE STORY:

    (first paragraph by Rebecca)

    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
    chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
    reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
    liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
    off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
    him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of
    the question.

    (second paragraph by Gary)

    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
    now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
    than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
    whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.

    "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
    communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..."
    But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of
    nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from
    the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

    (Rebecca)

    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
    one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
    had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
    pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.

    "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
    Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
    excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
    youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
    newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
    innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
    lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

    (Gary)

    Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
    of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
    its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
    the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had
    left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
    determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
    of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
    enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
    them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
    missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
    top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
    coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
    poor, stupid Laurie.

    (Rebecca)

    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
    writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

    (Gary)

    Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
    attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

    "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of
    F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who
    reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

    (Rebecca)

    As*h@le

    (Gary)

    B*tch.

    (Rebecca)

    F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

    (Gary)

    In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

    (TEACHER)

    A+ - I really liked this one.
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  27. #77
    IanHowell
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    Excellent, LMAO :thumb: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

    Hope that wasn't any of the Gary's on here!! :o


    Ian

  28. #78
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    Brave Man!

    Bigger Breasts

    Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

    Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

    Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

    "How long will this take?" I ask.

    "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

    I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
    breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

    Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

    He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even walk again.
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  29. #79
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    :lol: :lol: :lol:

  30. #80
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    :thumb: :lol:
    BMW 3.0 Z4 Roadster. Touareg 3.0 V6 TDI T2. Subaru Impreza Turbo 2000.

  31. #81
    Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a Traffic light.

    Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

    "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

    "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the Abomination," says Sister Helen.

    Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

    "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

    "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at The Vatican," says Sister Helen.

    Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as The water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at The nuns.

    "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?

    "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

    "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

    She opens the window and shouts, "Oi you little twat get off our feckin car now!" :lol:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  32. #82
    Very good :thumb:

  33. #83
    Dave is driving down the M5 at 90mph with his friend Gary in the passenger seat. Suddenly the police pull out of a lay-by and follow him at speed.
    Dave panics "Here Gary, are the plods lights flashing ?"

    "yep........nope..........yep...........nope.. .... ....yep" :lol:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  34. #84
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    ^^^
    pmsl :lol:
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  35. #85
    now i remember what I like about you Karl ........... feck all
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  36. #86
    Originally posted by Karl@Oct 5 2006, 11:35 AM
    Dave is driving down the M5 at 90mph with his friend Gary in the passenger seat. Suddenly the police pull out of a lay-by and follow him at speed.
    Dave panics "Here Gary, are the plods lights flashing ?"

    "yep........nope..........yep...........nope.. .... ....yep" :lol:
    that doesnt work!

    by the very nature of "flashing" they'd switch on and off...

    thuink the word you're looking for is "on" :whistle: :ph43r:

    PS-still funny :D
    1988 BMW e30 320i Touring in White- sickly:-(

    1992 BMW e32 730i v8- Thirsty:-(

    1998 Skoda Felicia 1.3 MPi- Raggeed to within an Inch of its life:-)

  37. #87
    Regular Nige's Avatar
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    Family Planning



    :o

  38. #88
    Northampton general ............... DAVE, that anything to do with you?
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  39. #89
    Sure, thats my idea of contraception ;)
    Has left the building..................

  40. #90
    An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

    "Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.

    "I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.

    St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!" :lol: :lol: :lol:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  41. #91
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    A man parks up in a disabled spot at asda. The traffic warden walks upto him and asks... excuse me sir but thats a disabled spot, what is your disability

    To which the man replied

    Tourettes ya c**t now f**k off
    SteveM owes me 5
    I owe Dan 5
    Steve. Pay the man!

  42. #92
    IanHowell
    Guest
    Excellent :lol:

  43. #93
    Regular Tony's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Karl@Oct 6 2006, 09:03 AM
    An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

    "Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.

    "I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.

    St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!" :lol: :lol: :lol:
    LMAO :lol: :lol:

    T
    E70 X5 40d family truck
    Cayman S - Daily driver of loveliness!
    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  44. #94
    Regular Tony's Avatar
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    Maybe this is why it seems only women's letters to agony aunts are
    printed....



    Dear Abby,

    I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
    could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my
    wife has been cheating on me.

    The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
    wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
    ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you
    don't know them."

    I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
    always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as
    if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she
    wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time
    it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her
    phone again and why was I checking up on her.

    Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
    down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
    again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to
    park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide
    behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came
    home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed
    that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

    Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
    dealer?

    Thanks,

    Bob


    :D

    T
    E70 X5 40d family truck
    Cayman S - Daily driver of loveliness!
    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  45. #95
    Regular leavingeasy's Avatar
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    My wife once sent me a birthday card from my Caterham- she refers to it as my mistress.

    I think this is unfair. I would never spend so much money time and affection on any woman!

  46. #96
    The old 'uns are the best Tony :)

  47. #97
    Regular Tony's Avatar
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    Another oldie but goodie ;)


    A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...
    Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."

    Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2

    sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to

    your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news.

    One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"

    Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"

    Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of

    town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."

    T :lol:
    E70 X5 40d family truck
    Cayman S - Daily driver of loveliness!
    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  48. #98
    Very spooky that ............ told that joke in the office earlier this morning.
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  49. #99
    Regular Tony's Avatar
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    These things tend to do the rounds at fairly high speed - the joys of the net ;)

    T
    E70 X5 40d family truck
    Cayman S - Daily driver of loveliness!
    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  50. #100
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

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