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Thread: Joke for the day

  1. #1
    Regular Tony's Avatar
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    I was reminded this evening about an article in the Sydney Herald I heard about whilst living in Oz. A local radio station has asked listeners to phone in with words that are used in everyday language, but which did not appear in the dictionary.

    The call went something like this:

    "Hi caller, what's your word?"
    "Garn."
    "How do you spell that?"
    "G-A-R-N"
    "OK, that's not in the dictionary, please give an example of 'Garn' used in context"
    "Garn **** yourself!"

    The line was instantly dropped, music played and the presenter tried to cover it up and apologised to the listeners.

    About half an hour later they had resumed the phone-in when a listener called in:

    "Hi caller, what's your word?"
    "Smee"
    "How do you spell that?"
    "S-M-E-E"
    "OK, that's not in the dictionary, please give an example of 'Smee' used in context."
    "Smee again - garn **** yourself!"

    :D :lol:

    T
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  2. #2
    Cant remember when I first heard that but it makes me laugh every time I hear it............

    Gary
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  3. #3
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    :lol: :thumb:

    F
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  4. #4
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    Just to keep you all amused on this lovely Monday morning.

    Q. What's a mixed feeling?
    A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

    Q. What's the height of conceit?
    A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

    Q. What's the definition of macho?
    A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

    Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
    A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

    Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
    A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

    Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
    A. Because it's worth it.

    Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
    A. They both like a tight seal.

    Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
    A. Their balls are just for decoration.

    Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
    A. About three inches.

    Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
    A. For traction in the mud.

    Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?
    A. The grip.

    Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
    A. It's not hard.

    Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
    A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

    Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    A. 45 pounds.

    Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A. 45 minutes.

    Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don't have eyes.

    Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
    A. The swallow.

    Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
    A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


    T
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  5. #5
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    Nice one Tony- good to see we went to the same Rugby club/school of crap jokes!

  6. #6
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    :D :thumb:

    I get about ten e-mails a day containing this sort of shite! :lol: Keeps my addled little brain amused nonetheless!

    T
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  7. #7
    I thought this thread would just have a picture of Gary in it :lol:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  8. #8
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    Originally posted by Karl@Mar 21 2006, 08:05 AM
    I thought this thread would just have a picture of Gary in it :lol:
    lol :thumb:

    No Karl, that would be joke of the week :whistle:
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  9. #9
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    Originally posted by Simon@Mar 21 2006, 08:16 AM
    lol :thumb:

    No Karl, that would be joke of the week :whistle:
    PMSL :thumb:

    Month, year, decade............ :huh: ;)

    T
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  10. #10
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    I love this one!

    BLACK ROBBERS - True Story

    On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
    quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with
    her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the
    quarters in her room.

    "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband
    and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
    As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
    already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very
    tall....an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first
    thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought
    was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen, but racial
    stereotypes are powerful,and fear immobilized her.
    She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered
    and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but, gosh, they had to
    know that she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward
    and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.
    Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the
    elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another
    second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart
    plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
    Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to
    do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she
    threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of
    coins rained down on her.
    Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She
    heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell
    us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button."
    The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out.
    He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
    The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
    They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her
    feet.
    "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average
    sized one,
    "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor.
    I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke
    genially.
    He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not
    laughing.
    The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.
    She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an
    apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly
    respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to
    rob you?
    She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the
    strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor
    they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little
    unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she mightnot make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.
    As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
    laughter as they walked back to the elevator.
    The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and
    went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
    The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen
    roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.
    The card said:
    "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
    It was signed;
    Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan
    :lol: :lol: :lol:
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  11. #11
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    Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

    The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

    Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

    At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

    Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

    For a video to see how beer works click here:

    YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

    T ;) :lol:
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  12. #12
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    Tony :thumb: especially the Eddie / Michael one :lol:

    George W Bush & Tony Bliar are in a meeting @ the White House. Georges wife walks in & asks what they are doing? They tell her that they are making plans for WW3 so she asks 'What are the plans?' Bush replys 'We are going to kill 14 million ethnics & 1 dentist' 'Why 1 dentist?' she asks. Bush pats Bliar on the back & says ' Told you no one would ask about the ethnics' :D
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    A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all
    perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter
    asks the first girl,
    "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles
    and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of
    myfinger."
    St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and
    pass through the gate."
    St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you
    ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but
    replies,
    "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay,
    dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

    All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One
    girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
    front, St. Peter says, "Reva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl
    replies,
    "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before
    Jessica sticks her ass in it."
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  14. #14
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    She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?" She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment". He, thinking it's his lucky day, lays her over the kitchen table and they have sex. Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?" She says "The egg timer's broken!"
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  15. #15
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    I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off".

    They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

    Then I thought........f*ck, I could win this...........


    Apologies............. :whistle:
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  16. #16
    PMSL :lol:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  17. #17
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    Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
    between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
    Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
    butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
    Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at
    all!"
    Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub
    where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of
    Jamieson Whisky.
    Seamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we
    will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
    Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
    They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage
    through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
    The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all
    for free.
    At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any
    more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"
    Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the
    third pub!!!!


    T
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  18. #18
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    Doing the graveyard shoft again so thoought I would share this with you all

    T :D

    Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
    (Must Read Out Loud)

    1. Thatís not right.........................Sum Ting Wong

    2. Are you harbouring a fugitive...Hu Yu Hai Ding

    3. See me ASAP............................U Kum Hia

    4. Small Horse..............................Tai Ni Po Ni

    5. Did you go to the beach..........Wai Yu So Tan

    6. I knocked the coffee table.......Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

    7. I think you need a face lift.......Chin Tu Fat

    8. Itís very dark in here...............Wai So Dim

    9. I thought you were on a diet.....Wai Yu Mun Ching

    10. This is a tow away zone..........No Pah King

    11. Our meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao

    12. Staying out of sight...................Lei Ying Lo

    13. Heís cleaning his automobile....Wa Shing Ka

    14. Your body odour is offensive....Yu Stin Ki Pu

    15. Great........................................Fa Kin Su Pah
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  19. #19
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    A Chav girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
    How many children?" asks the council worker?
    10 replies the Chav girl
    10? says the council worker. "What are their names?"
    Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
    Wayne"
    "Doesn't that get confusing?"
    Naah..." says the Chav girl "its great because if they are out playing in
    the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY,
    or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
    What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council
    worker.
    That's easy," says the Chav girl... "I just use their surnames"
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  20. #20
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    LOL :thumb:

    T
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  21. #21
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    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"


    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been
    there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other
    time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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  22. #22

  23. #23
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    LOL

    You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years
    Sounds horribly familiar!!! :lol:

    T
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  24. #24
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    A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Paddy and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

    "Kin ya swaller"? asked Paddy. The woman signaled "No!", desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head, "No!" With that, Paddy walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her backside. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

    Paddy swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
    Brian said in admiration "Ya know Paddy, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Maneouver, but that's the first time I ever see somebody do it."
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  25. #25
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    A guy is driving around Dublin and he sees a sign in front of a house:

    "Talking Dog For Sale."

    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
    "You talk?" he asks.
    "Yes," the Lab replies.
    "So, what's the story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

    "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
    "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
    medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed.He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    "Ten euro," the man says.

    "Ten euro? This dog is fookin' amazin'. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"



    "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*te."
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  26. #26
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    John met Karen in a nightclub.

    They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the
    evening.

    Karen invited John to her place, where they quickly got involved in a
    very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

    Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled
    up close to each other. After a short while, Karen began tenderly
    stroking John's manhood.

    Surprised but appreciative, John comments, "Surely you can't be ready
    for more already?"

    Karen replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I
    miss the days when I had my own." :whistle: :whistle:

    T
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    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  27. #27
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    :o Lol, Karen Steven,s weekend name by chance :whistle:
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  28. #28
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    Funniest thing I have seen in ages!!

    Brings a new meaning to getting plastered :rolleyes:

    T :lol:
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    Mk2 MX5 - Maybe sometime in the next decade to be a Lexus V8 engine riot.......

  29. #29
    :lol: :lol: :lol:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  30. #30
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    Quality. Wonder if he passed the DD test :lol:
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    Wayne Rooney has been given the all clear to play in the World Cup if he gets a Cortisone injection.


    England captain, David Beckham added "If that sod's getting a new car, then so am I"
    When the flag drops, the bullshit stops!


  32. #32
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    An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
    Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
    "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

    "What's this?" the boss asks?
    "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman . "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
    The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

    The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
    "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
    The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
    The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

    The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
    The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
    "So, when do I start?"
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  33. #33
    I like that one
    I'm arresting you for murdering my car you dyke digging tosspot

  34. #34
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    Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has
    reached the £1 million question.

    Chris Tarrant says,


    "Right Sven, this is for a £1 million, and remember, you still have two
    lifelines left, so please take your time.

    "Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

    "Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"

    Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too
    sure.
    I'll have to go 50-50."

    "Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left
    with.

    'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

    Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says,


    "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

    So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.


    "Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

    So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

    "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

    I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1
    million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

    "Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives
    in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

    "It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

    "You sure, son?" says Sven.

    "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger.
    Definitely."

    "Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

    "Final answer, Sven?"

    "Final answer, Chris."

    "That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!"

    Cue wild celebrations.

    Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.


    "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a
    gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder!

    But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

    "Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ..........

    ( SCROLL DOWN YOU'LL LIKE THIS)



























    "... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"
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  35. #35
    Regular Nige's Avatar
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    ha, I laughed at that last one.

  36. #36
    Regular Tony's Avatar
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    "I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
    differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
    thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
    with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE:
    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
    feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
    I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
    "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
    me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my
    puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not
    what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
    with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
    big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
    on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
    one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
    to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
    outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair
    of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must
    have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think
    she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
    doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop
    when I said, "That's fine, honey."

    She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
    Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is
    all dear, let's go to the cashier."
    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
    feel like it."
    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
    WHAT?"
    I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
    You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
    to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this
    look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love
    me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
    bitch knows I'm smarter than her. :D

    T
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  37. #37
    Regular Tony's Avatar
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    It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the
    > Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
    >
    > "What's up?" he asks.
    >
    > "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know
    > it's important but it's only England. They're sh*t and we can't be
    > bothered."
    >
    > Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by
    > myself - you lads go down to the pub."
    >
    > So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the
    > Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
    >
    > After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the
    > landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
    > "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England
    > all by himself!
    >
    > Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone
    > remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put
    > the teletext on.
    >
    > "Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1
    > (Lampard 89 minutes)."
    >
    > They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against
    > England!!
    >
    > They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him
    > in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.
    >
    > He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
    >
    > "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And
    > they only scored at the very, very end!"
    >
    > "No, no, I have. I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes."


    :lol: :lol:

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  38. #38
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    CHAV MUM WASHING UP. LITTLE GIRL SAYS MUMMY MUMMY WHY ARE YOUR HANDS SO SOFT.

    COS IM ONLY 12 ! :lol:
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    Avenger in bed for winter again .

  39. #39
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    ^^^
    LOL :lol:
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  40. #40
    Regular Tony's Avatar
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    Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied
    a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very
    large shark.
    Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo,
    struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

    The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor
    man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in
    time.
    At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white
    England shirts sped into view.
    One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs,
    immobilising it instantly.
    The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using
    long clubs, beat the shark to death.
    They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat
    along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they
    heard frantic calling .......

    It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

    On reaching the yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and
    said to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they) "I will give you a
    knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate
    Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true
    heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other
    countries."
    She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away.

    As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

    "That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and
    knows everything about our country."

    "Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows F*ck-all about shark
    fishing.
    How's the bait holding up ?"

    :D

    T
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  41. #41
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    pmsl :lol:
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  42. #42
    Regular Floyd's Avatar
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    He He :lol:

    F
    BMW 3.0 Z4 Roadster. Touareg 3.0 V6 TDI T2. Subaru Impreza Turbo 2000.

  43. #43
    :lol:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  44. #44
    Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

    "Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised
    already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
    Archie nods approvingly.

    "Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

    "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

    "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white :ph43r:
    Here lies the body of Mary Lee, died at the age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years she kept her virginity, not a bad record for this vicinity.

  45. #45
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    :D :D :D
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  46. #46
    Regular Tony's Avatar
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    LOL - like that one Karl :thumb: :lol: :lol:

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  47. #47
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    A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "F*ck me! How many bars do you work at?"
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  48. #48
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  49. #49
    Regular Tony's Avatar
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    LMAO :lol: :lol:

    Good one Simon :thumb:

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  50. #50
    Regular Tony's Avatar
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    The Rules of Bedroom Golf

    1.Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

    2.Play on a course MUST be approved by the owner of a hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club into the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

    3.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

    4.The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

    5.It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

    6.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

    7.Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.

    8.Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

    9.Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players should be advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

    10.Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

    11.Slow play is encouraged! However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner's request.

    12.It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

    13.The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

    14.Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

    :D

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